Rewriting Intersexual Dynamics Is Killing Marriage

As we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday here in the United States I am grateful for many things. Among others, these include my family and our good health, the country in which I live, my faith in a greater good, and my clarity of thought around intersexual dynamics.

I know you’re thinking, “Really? He is thankful for clarity around intersexual dynamics?” Yes, it is true and you and every other divorced father should be aware of the active rewriting of the narrative around intersexual dynamics. The implications are profound, pervasive, and have a massive impact on your life and that of your children.

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Intersexual Dynamics

I recently stumbled upon an article in the Harvard Business Review titled, “Dads, Commit to Your Family at Home and at Work.” This appeared in their “The Big Idea Series / Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic” section. I am not a regular reader of the Harvard Business Review but as it is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Harvard University and purports to be “The world’s most influential management magazine since 1922” and the place to “Find new ideas and classic advice on strategy, innovation and leadership, for global leaders from the world’s best business and management experts” it holds some sway and influence as a “scholarly journal.” At least to the extent that any of us still values the opinions of academics from the psychology, sociology, or gender studies departments at major universities. I know that I do not but for those of you busy working, raising a family, paying your bills, and attending to life’s responsibilities as a father, I will share with you why the premise of this “scholarly” article is false and dangerous. And reinforce for you why your natural masculine tendencies as a father are just that — natural.

The summary for this gem of “scholarly” advice from the ivory, ivy league towers reads as follows:

“While fathers are increasingly recognizing the value of caring for, educating, and raising their kids, there are still imbalances that make working parenthood more difficult for mothers. In particular, new research shows that fathers, on average, still do only around half of the unpaid work that mothers do. The good news is that men want to step up, and they can do so by acknowledging the problem, aiming for equity in household tasks, collaborating with their partners on decision making, and speaking up at work about their family’s needs.”

It is interesting to note that apparently and according to the authors that fathers are just now “increasingly recognizing the value of caring for, educating, and raising their kids…”

I wondered if it was true that my father did not “value” caring for, educating, and raising me even though he worked as a tradesman for 34 years in order to earn a living to put food on our table, clothe my sister and me, provide us with a good home, and send us to the best schools he could afford. He even performed repairs on our house and cars, played with us, and attended most of our extracurricular activities.

I also wondered if it was true that my grandfather did not “value” caring for, educating, and raising my father even though he would wake before dawn on their farm in Northwest Iowa and not stop working until the sun faded beyond the horizon leaving him just a couple of “free” hours to “raise the kids” before starting the process over the following day.

The idea that fathers just recently began to “value” caring for, educating, and raising their children is ridiculous. They have valued these things throughout the millennia. The only thing that has changed is the false narrative around which academics, propagandists, and others interested in rewriting the history of intersexual dynamics have defined what it is to “value” these things.

Since the beginning of time men and women have worked cooperatively to raise families. Until recently their primary goal was to simply survive the harsh realities of life. However, our comfortable lives with more abundance and less struggle have led these propagandists to find and even invent challenges where there are none.

The last half a century has seen the prevalence of women choosing to pursue a career instead of raising a family. This is a positive development that has given women a choice in their lives and the equality of opportunity in choosing a career. However, this is a choice. If a woman feels the need to pursue her career instead of having a family that is a perfectly reasonable choice for her to make. If she decides to pursue a career while starting a family that too is a perfectly reasonable choice. However, participating in the narrative that men must change their natural masculine tendencies in order to cater to a choice made by another is unjust.

Somewhere the notion that men’s natural tendencies to achieve and excel in their life’s mission is a bad thing. Men have over the centuries pushed the envelope on achievement which has led to massive growth for humanity and is largely responsible for the comfortable lives that we lead. Men like Henry Ford, Andrew Carnegie, Nicola Tesla, and modern-day geniuses like Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Why should this stop? The answer is that it shouldn’t and men and fathers should not be made to feel inadequate for not identifying with or desiring to participate in what is not a natural tendency for them.

Let's be clear that this is also a choice and there have been many men that have regretted it. But again this is their choice and not anyone else’s to make. Except that the propagandists want you to believe that there should not just be equality of opportunity for women but that there should be an equality of outcome. Hence, the absurd assertion that “…new research shows that fathers, on average, still do only around half of the unpaid work that mothers do.”

This made me wonder if this is where my ex got the notion that I should wash the dishes half of the time even after I had just put away the 30-foot ladder and dangerously climbed onto the roof to repair a roof shingle that had blown off in the storm the previous night. A storm in which my daughters sought “protection” from their daddy as the lightning flashed and the thunder crackled all around our house. Even though the week before I had jacked up the minivan and replaced the brake pads. Perhaps in the spirit of equality of outcome after the next storm, I will just let my partner know that it is her turn to grab the 30-foot ladder and perform a visual inspection on the second story of our home. Or that brake pads generally last 50,000 miles and that it will be her turn to replace them.

I don’t know about you but the notion of doing that sounds pretty insane to me. Maybe because my masculine nature inclines me to get things done without a thought of reimbursement or reward. It just needed to get done and if it didn’t then my family might be in jeopardy. Yet, the propagandists have created this false narrative between men and woman, husbands and wives that is based upon an equality of outcome scorekeeping system. These “non-partisan think tanks” that advocate for “work-life justice policy programs” are simply stirring the pot of deceit and deception that make each of us wary of one another. Let’s not fall for it.

I will leave you with an excellent article that refutes the entire premise of the Harvard Business Review article. It is called “The Myth of The Lazy Father” and it is written by Robert VerBruggen of the Institute for Family Studies. In it, he clearly demonstrates that:

*Among married couples living together with kids, if anything, it’s dads who do more work in total — adding up paid work, housework, child care, and even shopping.

*Moms do work more in some specific circumstances, but the data acquit fathers as a group of the slacking charges so frequently leveled against them.

*The biggest complaint that is actually consistent with the numbers — that moms and dads do different blends of home work and paid work — is not necessarily a problem at all, and to insist otherwise is to devalue parents’ own preferences.

It is an excellent read and conducted in a manner consistent with how a credible social scientist would look across a broad spectrum of data and information in order to come to a conclusion. As opposed to the Harvard Business Review authors who are working backward from their opinion with “research” conducted by a “think tank” funded by academic propagandists furthering their narrative.

My friends I feel compelled to point out that it is critically important to question and oppose any premise or frame of reference like the ones purported in the Harvard Business Review article that is an opinion masquerading as fact. Whether it be in an article you read, a conversation you are having, or any other area of life where such obvious falsehoods are being passed off as truth. Spreading these falsehoods is dangerous as it undermines the integrity of our families and creates unnecessary conflict where there need not be any. I wonder how many of our marriages have been killed by this?

Jude helps dads navigate through their divorce and create an amazing life for themselves and their children. www.TheDivorcedDadvocate.com

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